Friday, December 16th
Since the cerclage surgery, we would go in for weekly appointments. This Friday we were in for our weekly appointment. We figured it would be the usual ultrasounds, check the stitch, check the baby, and check the cervix. Over and over we would hear that baby looks great and the stitch is holding. This particular Friday I felt we needed to ask them to fully check where Owen was weighing in on the growth chart. The ultrasound tech told us they don’t usually do that but she would ask the doctor. The doctor gave the okay and they did the checking. She did all of her ultrasounds and then sent to the doctor. Doctor Smith told us our baby was breech but there was plenty of time for him to turn. He then told us that my cervix had completely funneled down to the stitch and all that was keeping him in was the cerclage stitch. He then told us Owen was coming in at the 12th percentile in all his measurements. He told us he wanted to send us to Boise on Monday to get a look at why baby boy was small and for the cerclage. He then wanted to send us to labor and delivery to get the steroid shots in to help baby boy’s lungs start developing. The shots were just a precaution but could only help. We went in and got the first shot and would come back in on Saturday to get the second steroid shot. We would then leave Sunday night for Boise. We decided to pack for a few days just in case they wanted to monitor us more than just Monday. It’s a good thing we packed for more than one day.
Monday, December 19th
We headed to the maternal fetal medicine offices for our visit with Dr. Lee. When we got there they did my vitals and everything was good. My blood pressure (which had been fine my entire pregnancy) was a bit on the high side, nothing crazy, but we blamed it on being nervous and being at the doctor. They did a bunch of ultrasounds and checked everything out on Owen. Dr. Lee came in and told us that Owen was measuring small but everything else seemed to be in place and working. He was getting all the blood flow and nutrients but for some reason was measuring small. He was 29 weeks but measuring as a 26 weeker. Dr. Lee wanted to do some monitoring and a nonstress test and then would send us on our way. When we went back to get set up on the monitors they took my blood pressure again. My blood pressure was measuring a lot higher than at the beginning of our appointment. Dr. Lee came in and was a bit concerned but said we would continue to take it during the nonstress test and the other monitoring. They took it every fifteen minutes and it continued to spike even higher. Dr. Lee kept asking if I was feeling swollen, headaches, and pain in my chest or anything like that. I kept telling him I felt fine. They took my blood pressure a few more times and then told me they would be wheeling me over to the hospital to check in. He told us having high blood pressure can be a sign of preeclampsia. He wanted to check me into the hospital for the next twenty-four hours to continue to monitor my blood pressure, draw some labs, and do a twenty-four hour urine catch to check the protein to make sure I wasn’t getting preeclampsia. They wheeled me across the street to the hospital and Chase and I found us back in the same room on the antepartum floor where I was life flighted for our cerclage surgery back in October.
We called my parents to let them know that we would be at the hospital for at least twenty-four hours. They asked me if they needed to come to Boise to be with us. I told them we would only be there twenty-four hours and we were okay. They decided to make the trip anyways because they are absolutely amazing like that. (It’s definitely a good thing they came). As we got settled into our room they came in and drew some labs and explained to me what would happen. Later the doctor on call for the week, Dr. Seyb, came in to meet with us. He explained what they were looking for and were monitoring us for preeclampsia. Again, they continued to check my blood pressure and it just continued to spike and spike. I think the highest it ever got was about 195/102. Chase and I continued to hang out and discuss how this really wasn’t our favorite holiday season. Later Dr. Seyb came in and told us that my liver enzymes were a bit high and my platelets were getting somewhat low but nothing to be concerned about yet. He told us they would wait till tomorrow to determine anything once they had the results from the urine catch. He told us to expect to be having a baby within the next week or two if I really did have preeclampsia. We were a bit in shock that something like this could just show up so suddenly. Everything had been fine, we were back in the hospital but not for the thing we were originally life flighted for.
The day continued on with constant blood pressure checks and my blood pressure not improving. My parents showed up and we were very happy and relieved to have them there and for the support. As the night went on I began feeling a bit worse. I didn’t sleep well due to nurses, IVs, blood pressure checks continually, and finally, I was beginning to feel that pain and tightness in my abdomen. I tried to get in as much sleep as I could but it was definitely not happening.
Tuesday, December 20th
Early the next morning around 5:00 a.m. they came and drew more blood for labs. I was beginning to have shortness of breath and feeling like I couldn’t breathe. My abdomen hurt and I wasn’t feeling well in the slightest. My parents came over that morning to hang out and see what was going on. My 24-hour urine catch wouldn’t be done till about noon and we figured we would be waiting around until they had labs done on that. Dr. Seyb came in around 8:00 am to tell us that my liver enzymes had increased and my platelet count was decreasing. He told us that this was preeclampsia and turning fast into more. He informed us that preeclampsia turns into HELLP syndrome (a life-threatening liver disorder thought to be a type of severe preeclampsia. It is characterized by Hemolysis (destruction of red blood cells), Elevated Liver enzymes (which indicate liver damage), and Low Platelet count). He told us the only cure to keep me safe and the baby safe was to take Owen out. Where Owen was breach it would be a c-section. He told us that we would most likely be having a baby by tonight These were not the words that we were expecting. Chase and I were in shock with everything that was taking place. In less than twenty-four hours, my life had become in danger and we were having a baby. I can’t tell you the thoughts and emotions we were feeling at this time. Shock. Numb. We had to prepare to have a baby tonight!
After Dr. Seyb left, lab came in and drew more of my blood. I was beginning to feel more pain in my abdomen and having, even more, trouble breathing. Around 10 or 11 a.m. Dr. Seyb came back inform us that within the last few hours my liver enzymes had doubled and my platelets had decreased even more. He informed me the pain I was feeling was my liver because my preeclampsia was turning into hellp syndrome. He then told us he had scheduled our c-section for 1:30 this afternoon and we were having a baby in just a few hours. The shock and numb we were feeling had now turned into pure and unadulterated fear. Thank goodness for my parents. My dad left to buy some oil to be able to give me a blessing before everything went down. My mother who is amazing in crisis continued to comfort Chase and me. She wiped away my tears and held my hand telling me it would all be okay. It was so hard to believe that having a baby at 29 weeks would be okay. That having an emergency c-section to now save my health and our child’s would be okay. I can’t explain the feelings and emotions we were both feeling. There are no words to be able to explain this moment in time.
We were taken down to the prep room for having a baby. I was hooked up to two more ivs. I was so tired and in pain not only from the liver pain but also from being poked with so many needles. They had to poke me in multiple places to finally get the two extra iv’s in. They hooked me up and started pumping me full of magnesium, also known as mom torture. I was informed it was going to make me feel even worse than I was feeling at the time. The magnesium would help Owen with brain bleeds and also keep me from having a stroke or seizure. I admit this is where things started to get hazy. I remember Chase holding my hand telling me we would be fine. The nurses all around explaining what would happen in the operating room. The neonatal people explaining what would happen with Owen. The anesthesiologist explains the spinal they would give me. Good thing I already knew what the spinal would be like due to the cerclage surgery. My dad then showed up within a few moments of the surgery. Chase and he were able to administer me a blessing. I don’t remember what was said but I remember the fear subsiding and feeling calm.
It was finally time for my c-section. They wheeled me in and Chase had to wait out the doors as they finished preparing me. As they prepped me I kept asking when Chase got to come in. I kept worrying that he wouldn’t be able to be there. As Chase was waiting outside he later told me it was the longest fifteen minutes of that whole day. He told me how those fifteen minutes he broke down. Thinking how there was a chance he could lose his wife and his son in the same day. That he had no control over what would happen. How he could be walking out of this hospital again losing someone he loves and cares so deeply about all over again. (The Boise hospital is where Chase’s mom passed away when he was eight years old). It was an extremely long fifteen minutes for the both of us. There were so many people in that operating room. A team of doctors for me and a team for Owen. Finally, Chase came in and they started the procedure. I remember him holding my hand, kissing my forehead, catching my throw up, and telling me we were okay. I remember hearing Owen cry. I remember being able to kiss his forehead before he was whisked away. I cried and cried at how small but perfect he was. He was born at 2:51 p.m. weighing in at 1 lb 15.6 oz and 13.4 inches long. I cried as my baby was taken and whisked away and not knowing what was going to happen. They got Owen stable and he and Chase left the operating room. I cried as I watched my husband and my brand new baby leave. It took about another half hour for them to finish up everything with my c-section. I was then wheeled into recovery. A bit later my mom, dad, and Chase returned to be with me and catch me up to date.
As I laid in recovery the four of us began to discuss names. Chase and I had discussed Nixon Dean as the name we both really loved and thought we would go with. I had always loved Owen James and thought it was the sweetest name for our little man. Chase liked the name too but was pretty set on the name Nixon. As we debated and discussed names, my mom decided to look up the meaning of both Owen and Nixon. When she read Owen stood for, “young warrior, noble, well born” we knew and decided the name Owen James Clarke couldn’t be more perfect for our sweet blessed spirit we had brought into this world. Chase filled me in on Owen, and he was doing well. They didn’t have to intubate and he was put on the cpap to help his breathing for now. They started an umbilical iv to help him get the nutrients he needed for the time being. He was in an incubator to help with his temperature and to continue to keep him warm. He was doing well and stable and as cute as can be.
After they let me out of recovery, the wheeled my bed up to the NICU so I could see Owen. Oh, it hurt to my heart to see our sweet tiny child hooked up to so many lines. It hurt my heart to not be able to hold my child and knowing I would have to watch him grow in a box for who knows how long. As they wheeled me away I began to cry even more. I began to blame myself for my body not being able to keep my child safe. I began to feel upset that I didn’t get to have a normal pregnancy. This was our first pregnancy and it had only brought us stress, heartache, and so many other emotions. There would be no tender pictures to reflect on. It wasn’t fair. What hurt the most during that time was knowing that I couldn’t hold our child. How can I be a mother and feel like a mom when I can’t even hold my baby? Those first few days were the hardest and I went and felt every emotion on the spectrum. Everyone was congratulating us on having a beautiful baby and being parents. How can you feel like parents not be able to take care of your child in the way you feel like you’re supposed to? I didn’t feel that warm connection to Owen. I felt even worse because I didn’t feel like I was bonding with him the way I was supposed to. I knew I loved him more than I thought I could but I didn’t feel connected. I can’t explain the feelings and emotions and the experience of those days before I held Owen for the first time. It took nine long days before I held him for the first time. I remember as they passed him to me and I held him to my chest I became overwhelmed with feelings and emotions. This was the moment for me that changed all my negative thoughts and feelings. This was the moment I felt connected to this beautiful new spirit. I felt the unconditional love my Heavenly Father had for me for sacrificing so much to make sure this spirit had the chance to have a body and have a chance to come to this world. I was overcome with knowing that I was the one chosen for this experience and to have this beautiful boy in my life. This was the moment where the spirit testified to me that Chase and I were exclusively chosen to handle all of this, and were specifically chosen and given the responsibility to raise this child of God and to be Owen’s parents. I can’t say that I still don’t go back and forth between positive and negative thoughts and feelings, but I know without a doubt we can do hard things, life will continue on, and our life is truly a blessed and enjoyable one.
Wednesday – Sunday, December 21-25th
I was in the hospital until Christmas day. My parents stayed until Thursday and were truly amazing support through this all. I don’t know what I would do without their unconditional love and support. During this time spent in the hospital, my blood pressure remained really high and dangerous. They spent days giving me blood pressure medicine to figure out what worked best for my body to make me stable. It was up and down and I felt horrible until they got things figured out. I remember crying as Christmas was approaching knowing my sister and brother and their families would all be at my parents for Christmas. I was so sad to be in the hospital for Christmas and knowing I would miss spending the holiday with my siblings and family. I hadn’t seen my sister for months and had yet to meet my nephew Lincoln who was born back in October. Imagine my overjoyed surprise when Friday morning the 23rd my big brother and big sister and baby Lincoln walked into my hospital room with doughnuts. I couldn’t believe it. I was so overwhelmed and was so beyond happy to be able to spend that morning together with my siblings. I cried and we laughed and I cried as we laughed because laughing after a c-section is not a good idea. They couldn’t have come at a better time and I am so beyond blessed to have the best siblings and best friends a girl could ask for.
I was finally released the night of Christmas Day. As we left, we were both starving and the only thing we found open was Jack in the Box. As we sat there eating fast food on Christmas we both started laughing and feeling quite pathetic this was how our Christmas was being spent. It is definitely not a Christmas dinner we will ever forget. We were blessed to be able to get a room at the Ronald McDonald house. It is only a couple blocks from the hospital and they have continued to take good care of us.
Owen came into this world with a big bang. From start to finish he was meant to be here and part of our lives. Chase and I never knew we could love someone so unconditionally. We couldn’t be more blessed to be chosen to be this little boy’s parents. He continues to surprise us with his strength each and every day. We continue to be blessed and our faith continues to grow. We have come closer to each other and closer to our Heavenly Father. Our experiences the past four months have been the hardest and most amazing months of our lives. We are living and seeing a miracle each and every day. We still have ways to go, a long journey, and much to learn. We couldn’t be happier and more blessed with the life we are living and this adventure we continue to be on.
No comments:
Post a Comment